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by McKayRulez



Series: Dark & Disturbed Stargate [5]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Bullying, Cutting, Dark, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Repressed, Episode: s01e10 The Storm, Episode: s01e10-e11 The Storm/The Eye, Episode: s02e06 Trinity, Gen, Hurt Rodney McKay, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Trust, Mean John, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive Behavior, Psychological Trauma, Rodney McKay Whump, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 05:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18308885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKayRulez/pseuds/McKayRulez
Summary: The knife glinted, and he saw a manifestation in the metal..It was a reflection he did not recognize anymore..





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The situation was over. Atlantis was safe from the Genii once more. There was nothing to worry about.. So why didn't he feel safe?.. 

Everyone was impressed with Sheppard's ability to defend the city, and nearly single handedly at that. John was a hero.. While he was a pariah.. 

He had done his part. He came up with the way to save the city. He fixed the grounding stations.. But it wasn't enough.. 

John gave him looks in the hallway. He quickly glanced away. He didn't like the way he stared at him with disappointment.. 

Instead, while he was alone, he looked down at his forearm, that was adorned with a long cut that ran the entire length of it's flesh and bone.. 

It was all because of this stupid scar, that he was viewed as lesser.. 

Appraised as a coward and a wimp by his military co-workers.. 

The nerves had been repeatedly cut, over and over, in the same line. He squirmed just thinking about it.. 

He remembered being surprised that he hadn't bleed to death, although he figured Kolya and his men knew just how deep enough to go, before they cut a major artery.. 

He was even more surprised that the infection his cut had gotten, after hours in the cold rain, hadn't been fatal.. 

The infection never got checked out though, and lately his ear had started to ache. He was worried it may have spread, but no one ever took his fears as legitimate cause for concern. He was a hypochondriac after all.. Nothing he complained about was ever worth checking on.. 

Speaking of which, he remembered even wrapping the wound himself, since there wasn't anyone to help him.. 

He supposed he deserved it. He had given secrets away to the enemy. Why should they have helped him?.. 

Now though, he wished he was stronger, wished he could have just toughened it out.. 

Maybe then Sheppard wouldn't be so let down by him..

He looked at the long sharp blade. He knew what he had to do.. 

He felt the cold steel pressed against his inner thigh. He hissed as the blade moved across his skin, slicing open the delicate tissue.. 

Blood dribbled from the wound. He watched it flow down his pale skin, leaving a red river in its wake.. 

One slice down.. 

He pressed the blade slightly below it, starting a new line.. 

He would do this as many times as needed, until a time where he wouldn't feel a thing.. 

When he comes across Koyla or anyone who'd torture him again, he'd be numb, and then, and only then, everyone would be proud of him.. 

He won't be an outcast anymore.. 

\-- 

Project Arcturus had failed.. 

Sheppard's eyes were daggers, and his voice spat poison.. 

His disdainful gaze didn't hurt him,.. 

but his words did.. 

T R U S T _ L O S T..

A R R O G A N T and S T U P I D..

A _ D I S A P P O I N T M E N T..

A _ F A I L U R E..

The knife glinted, and he saw a manifestation in the metal.. 

A lifeless, slant lipped frown.. 

Distant, dull, blue eyes.. 

Chalky, pale skin, like death itself.. 

It was a reflection he did not recognize anymore.. 

He looked away..

It didn't matter..

He knew what he must do..

He had conquered sticks and stones.. 

Now, he'd carve those words into his scarred flesh,.. 

Until those words would never hurt him..


End file.
